


Blended

by justflyingthroughlife



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Daddy!Danny, Daddy!Derek, Daddy!Ethan, Derek's not as awkward as he could be, F/M, Isaac is 7, Jackson is 14, Lydia is 12, M/M, Malia is 4, Stiles is a paranoid parent, allison is 15, daddy!stiles, scott is 15
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-21
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-04-05 09:32:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4174818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justflyingthroughlife/pseuds/justflyingthroughlife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles just got out of a terrible marriage and Derek's finally dating again after the death of his wife. After a disastrous blind date, they both hope to never see each other again. Unfortunately, fate has other plans. (Based on the Adam Sandler/Drew Barrymore movie "Blended")</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Disastrous Blind Dates and Cheesesticks in the Shape of a Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I thought this would be a good idea after I watched the movie. So. . . here you go.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The worst blind date in the history of blind dates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's so much easier to write a chapter when I know exactly what's going to happen. Enjoy!

"Can you believe where this class act brought me?" Stiles voice echoes in the bathroom, and the other guys in there can probably hear him, but he doesn't care. "Yeah, you heard me! Hooters! Normally I don't have a problem with Hooters, but this is a _date!"_ he hisses into the phone. "Ugh, I just- I need to get home. Speaking of, how are the boys doing?" He feels bad for complaining to the _babysitter,_ of all people, but he had to get all that out.

 _"Um. . ."_ she trails off and Stiles hears a very familiar voice screaming in the background.

"Stephanie," Stiles replies, trying to stay calm, "why is Isaac screaming 'this shirt is on fire'?" He hears a spraying sound and a sigh of relief from Stephanie.

 _"Oh, it's fine!"_ she says brightly. _"It's out!"_

"Wait, _what's_ out?!" Stiles asks, panic rising in his voice. "Okay, never mind. You know what, both of us need to be saved. So call me in ten minutes with a fake emergency and I'll come home. Got it?"

 _"Okay, Mr. S. Bye."_ Stiles hangs up and sighs. His first date since college and it's terrible. Derek is hot, there's no doubt about that. He looks like fucking Adonis. No- Adonis' older, hotter brother. But he's barely said two words the entire date and looks like he wants to crawl back into whatever hole he came from. Stiles takes a deep, calming breath and steps out of the stall. Inevitably, every guy in the bathroom is staring at him. Stiles ignores them, washes his hands quickly, and returns to his disastrous date.

"I told them to put your sauce on the side," says Derek when he gets to the table. "I didn't know how you wanted it, so. . . yeah." God, this guy's not even _looking_ at him.

"Something more interesting above my head?" he asks. Derek nods distractedly. "Yeah, there's a really close game on right now." Stiles turns around. It's a program on lumberjacks. Literally all that's on screen is a chainsaw going through a tree. Stiles rolls his eyes and turns back around just as several busty waitresses skip up to the table, giggling.

"Hi Der Bear!" says one, a bleached blonde with a nose ring. "We um, we made you some cheesesticks."

"In the shape of a heart!" another adds breathily.

"Courtesy of Bubbles, Brittany, and Ashlyn!" says the first one. "Enjoy!" Derek smiles easily at them as they leave.

"So, I notice you didn't have any problem keeping eye contact with Boobles," Stiles says, "if you want to call it eye contact, that is." Derek huffs.

"So you, uh. . . you're a librarian?" he asks instead of answering the question. "Which library?"

"The only library in Beacon Hills," Stiles replies, checking his watch. Stephanie should have called him by now. "No offense, but I think we both know that this isn't going as well as it could." Derek nods.

"Yeah, it's just," he frowns, "I haven't been on an actual date since senior year." Stiles raises an eyebrow.

"You got married in college?" Derek shakes his head.

"Just out of high school, actually. You?"

"About a year after I got my Bachelor's," Stiles says. "We're kind of hopeless, aren't we?" Derek huffs a laugh, surprising Stiles.

"We really are." Stiles smiles and picks up a cheesestick.

"You know what?" he asks. "I'm gonna try one of these. With the sauce." As soon as he tries to swallow, he knows the sauce was a bad idea. Tears come to his eyes and he reaches for his beer, but- "Dude, did you drink my beer?!" Derek looks like a deer caught in headlights

"No, no, you drank your beer!" It's an obvious lie, but Stiles can't care about that right now.

"I need water!" he rasps. "Boobles! Brittany! Somebody!" Derek pushes his soup toward him and Stiles ends up coughing most of it back up onto his shirt. When his mouth isn't on fire anymore, he wipes his mouth and scowls at the man sitting across from him. "Remind me, out of all the possible reasons, why did your wife leave you?" Derek's face falls and he looks back up at the TV behind Stiles.

"Cancer," he says, and yep. Stiles is a grade A douche.

"I'm sorry," he replies after a moment. "I- I just assumed you were divorced."

"Yeah well, I just assumed that your husband shot himself so it's fine," Derek says. Stiles opens his mouth to apologize again, but Derek's ringtone cuts him off. "Hello?" Derek begins, and in two seconds his face changes from annoyed to confused and horrified. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down! An avalanche?! In our backyard?! Alright, stay calm. I'll be home soon." Derek gets up and puts a twenty on the table. "I have to go, there was an emergency at home. That should cover my half." Stiles watches in shock as Derek leaves in a hurry.

*     *     *     *     *      *      *      *      *     *

 _"He_ used the emergency excuse on _you?!"_ Erica asks incredulously. "Oh my god, and this was your first date since the divorce! It must've been terrible!" Stiles nods, putting more books on the shelf.

"It was, thank you for reminding me," he replies dryly. "What's worse is that I'm going to have to face Sandra at the PTA meeting tomorrow night, and of course she's going to ask all about if I liked her 'friend Derek' and 'isn't he just the best?'" He exhales slowly. Erica looks like she wants to say something, but her phone rings.

"Oh, it's Boyd!" she says excitedly. "I'm just gonna take this real quick, okay?" Stiles nods, pasting a smile on his face. Just because his relationships are doomed to fail doesn't mean he should rain on his friend's parade. ". . . alright. Okay. Yeah, I- I 'L word' you too. Bye." Stiles stares in shock at Erica.

"You just said the 'L word'!" he exclaims. "To Boyd! When did this happen? Why didn't you tell me?" Erica grins.

"Last night!" she squeals. "And I didn't want to ruin your date. A bit redundant now, but I didn't know that." Stiles smiles and he feels tears prick at his eyes. He turns around and scrubs at his eyes. "Oh Stiles. . ."

"I should've- I should've kept his interest, dressed sexier, _something-_ " Erica cuts him off.

"No, no, Stiles," she says. "Mark is an asshole. He cheated on you because he's a douchebag who doesn't know what he's got until it's gone. You are a sexy ass motherfucker who doesn't need a man." Stiles wipes his eyes and gives Erica a watery smile.

"Yeah," he replies. "Yeah, you're right. I've already got two men in my life and that's enough." Erica rolls her eyes.

"Jackson needs a girlfriend and Isaac needs your Adderall." Stiles frowns.

"You're suggesting sex and drugs for my fourteen and seven year old sons?" he asks. Erica nods, guiltless. "Whatever. Anyway, as I was saying before you questioned my parenting skills, I don't need to be in a relationship right now. In fact, it's the  _l_ _ast_ thing I need."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you say so Stiles. . . *FORESHADOWING* Kudos and comments are always appreciated! Also: If you've read this chapter before, you may notice that I've changed Paige's cause of death from an animal attack to cancer. Originally, I said she was killed by an animal attack because in the show she was killed by a werewolf attack. However, it fits the story better if she died of cancer. I apologize for any confusion.
> 
> P.S. You should check out my Tumblr (http://fuckrealityihaveablog.tumblr.com/).


	2. Stupid Exes and Invisible Mommies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look at the home life of our two protagonists

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually really surprised that I'm able to write these chapters so quickly. Anyway, enjoy.

"It couldn't have been that bad." Derek raises an eyebrow at Boyd, who lately has had a stupid grin on his face, 24/7. Even now, in the sports store (where nothing could possibly remind him of Erica) he has a dazed look in his eye. "What? So it was a little awkward. I think you should give him another chance."

"A _little_ awkward?" Derek asks. "It was the worst date I've ever gone on, counting the time Paige and I got mugged." He pauses for a moment. "Also counting the time Paige's sister showed up to intimidate me. Besides, ever since you started dating that woman, you've been on my back to 'get myself out there'."

"That woman's name is Erica," Boyd replies, "and you know I'm right. It's been a year since Paige. She'd want you to move on." Derek starts to say _no, no I can't move on,_ but is luckily interrupted.

"Hey Dad," says Allison, plopping her backpack down on the counter. Derek smiles, glad to end his conversation with Boyd. God knows where that would've led.

"Hey Al," he replies. "The new Kodiak tents just came in, so we'll be all set for spring break." Allison sighs loudly. "What? Too old to camp in the backyard?" She shakes her head.

"No, it's just that most of the kids in my class are going to Switzerland, or Hawaii, or at least out of town." Derek rolls his eyes.

"So you have a lot of rich kids in your class." Allison gives him a look and he sighs. "Look, if I could, I'd take you somewhere amazing. But we just can't swing it right now." Allison huffs. "Just do your homework, kiddo." She nods and sits down behind the counter as a teenager walks up.

"Hey man," he says, "I'm here to pick up some running shoes I ordered." Allison squints at him. "What?"

"I'm a _girl._ And I don't work here." The guy raises his eyebrows.

"Oh," he says, turning away. "Oh, sure." As he passes Derek, he mutters, "That is one ugly girl."

"Hey, that's his daughter!" Boyd exclaims, swiping at the teenager, who quickly walks away.

"Calm down, big guy," Derek says, holding his boss back. He doesn't mention that he's imagining tearing that guy limb from limb.

*     *     *     *     *     *      *     *     *     *

"Who's Derek?" Stiles turns around to see Jackson glaring at him.

"Uh. . . what?" he asks.

"Don't 'what' me," Jackson replies icily. "I know you had a blind date. I read your email. You should really change your password, Mr. 061599." Stiles groans.

"First of all, we need to talk about a little thing called privacy. Second of all, that is the last time I use your birthday as a password." Jackson stares at him.

"Who's Derek?" he repeats and Stiles sighs, a light smile on his face.

"Nobody," he replies. "A buffoon." Jackson looks like he wants to argue, but is (thankfully) interrupted.

"Hey Daddy! I had a great time with Papa today!" Isaac yells as he runs into the kitchen. He pops out the wheels on his shoes and Stiles thinks he might have a mini-aneurysm. "Nurple!" Isaac grabs both of Jackson's nipples and twists, eliciting a scream from the older boy, then runs away. Jackson runs after him.

"No wheels in the house, Isaac!" Stiles yells after them. "And no more titty twisters! You only have two titties, you should treasure them!" A light chuckle comes from behind him and Stiles whips around, glaring. "Did you give Isaac ice cream? That boy does _not_ need ice cream!"

"Whoa, whoa!" says Mark, holding his hands up in a sign of surrender. "Ice cream with Papa is a lasting memory for a kid." Stiles glares harder. "What?"

"The memories wouldn't _have_ to be so lasting if you'd spend some time with your sons in the first place," Stiles hisses. Mark rolls his eyes.

"I _do_ spend time with them," he says. "And besides, legally and biologically, they're _your_ sons."

"I can't believe you're pulling that card!" Stiles exclaims. "When we decided to become parents, we made a commitment! Just because you walked out on me doesn't mean you can walk out on them!" Mark scoffs.

"I didn't walk out on you! You kicked me out!"

"Because you slept with your secretary! Repeatedly!" Stiles takes a deep breath, trying to calm down. "Look, we're done with that, okay? That's over. Now we've got to focus on Jackson and Isaac. Speaking of, you're coming to Isaac's Little League game on Saturday, right?" Mark nods. "Okay, I'll put you on the board." Stiles writes _Papa: Little League game, Saturday 2:00_ on a small whiteboard and Mark huffs.

"You don't have to put me on the board, Stiles," he grumbles. "I'll be there." Stiles glares at him.

"Yeah, because your track record has been so great lately," he says. "Just be there."

"I'm always there for my kids," Mark says, feigning hurt.

"Pop!" Jackson calls from upstairs. "Can you help me with my math homework?"

"No buddy!" Mark shouts back. "I've got a- I have a. . . thing to go to! See you later champ!" He steps out the door before sticking his head back in and saying, "This does not reflect on me as a parent." Stiles groans. He has no idea how he got through sixteen years of marriage with this asshole.

"Pop? Did you leave?" Stiles sighs and trudges up the stairs. Sometimes he can't remember his life before Jackson and Isaac. Maybe that's not such a bad thing.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

"Al?" Derek calls, looking for his daughter. He hears some bubblegum pop song coming from the bathroom and he opens the door. "Al, I just wanted to-"

 _ **"DAD!"**_ Allison screams, throwing gel inserts onto the mirror from her bra, where she had been. . . stuffing them in. Quickly, he closes the door. _**"WHY WOULDN'T YOU KNOCK?!"** _

"I'm sorry!" he exclaims. "I didn't see anything!"

_**"OH THANKS DAD!"** _

"No!" he replies quickly. "I meant that I didn't see any. . . stuffing. . . going on. . ." He clears his throat. "I'll just- okay, I'll go now." He forgets what he needed now. As he walks past Lydia's room, he hears a quiet, one-sided conversation. He knocks on the door. "What are you doing, Lyds?"

"Talking to Mom." Ever since Paige had died a year ago, Lydia has had trouble letting go. So she talks to her. Even though she's not actually there. At first, Derek was worried, but Lydia's counselor had assured him that it was just a coping mechanism and would most likely go away on its own. He just lets her do her own thing now.

"What, um, what are you talking about?" he asks.

"It's girl stuff," Lydia replies.

"Well, just to let you know, I'm pretty good at talking about girl stuff too." Lydia gives an apologetic look to the empty chair by her bed.

"Excuse me for a moment," she says to it before walking to the door. "Look Dad, I appreciate the effort, but I just want to talk to Mom right now." She closes the door. _At least she's honest,_ Derek thinks to himself.

"Daddy, I ran out of stickers!" Derek turns to see his youngest daughter, Malia, with stickers all over her face.

"Ran out of stickers?" he asks, picking her up. "Kid, you ran out of _face."_ Malia grins at him.

"Can I play with Lydia?" she asks.

"Not right now," Derek replies. "She's having quiet time." Malia looks over his shoulder at the closed door.

"You mean with 'Invincible Mommy'?" she whispers, and Derek smiles.

"Right. Invisible Mommy." Malia sighs.

"I wish I could talk to Mommy," she says quietly. Derek nods.

"Me too."

"I miss her."

"So do I." As he carries Malia downstairs, Derek wonders if the gaping hole in his family's life would ever be filled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That last line is a bit of a cliche, but whatever. Kudos and comments are always appreciated!
> 
> P.S. You should check out my Tumblr (http://fuckrealityihaveablog.tumblr.com/).


	3. Centerfolds and "Monsteration"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles has a terrible day, Erica's going on a mystery vacation, and Derek needs to learn how the female body works.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to watch the movie while I was writing this to get Erica and Stiles' threats right.

"Where are you?" Stiles hisses into his phone. "He's looking for you! You said you'd be here!" He watches helplessly as Isaac searches the crowd for Mark, who _isn't fucking there._

 _"Look, the meeting is taking longer than expected!"_ Mark replies. _"What do you want from me?!"_ Stiles groans, clenching his fists.

"You know what? I just want you to _be a freaking dad!"_ he practically yells through his teeth before hanging up angrily. "God, I can't take it!" Somebody laughs behind him.

"Whoa man, why don't you go to the snack bar and see if they sell any chill pills?" Before Stiles can properly bite this jackass' head off, Erica comes to the rescue.

"Chill pills?" she scoffs, taking a seat next to Stiles on the bleachers. "Why don't you 'bust a move' back to 1990?" Stiles smiles, half in relief and half in surprise.

"Has Hell frozen over already?" he asks incredulously. "What are _you_ doing at a baseball game?" Erica rolls her eyes, smirking.

"Boyd's taking me on a mystery vacation!" she squeals, ignoring the question. "Oh God, he's so romantic!"

"That's great, I- Oh wait, Isaac's up!" Erica and Stiles turn their attention to home plate.

"And now, up to bat, Isaac Stilinski-Reynolds!" An ominous sound effect plays loudly and Stiles grits his teeth.

"Oh, come on!" groans the guy behind him. "They're putting this kid in?"

"League rule," says another. "Every kid has to play two innings. Even kids like him." Stiles doubts either of the men understand what he and Erica shout at them simultaneously, but it sounds something like this:

"You shut your piehole-"

"I'll kick your ass-"

"-or I'll stuff my entire fist in your mouth!"

"-you Burt Reynolds scrawny reject!" When both men look properly terrified, Stiles and Erica turn around. "Hey, how old is that pitcher? He looks like a NASCAR driver," Erica says. Said pitcher throws a strike, and Isaac growls, hitting home plate with his bat.

"It's okay, buddy!" Stiles shouts. "Shake it off! It's okay!"

"Oh God, he's not gonna have one of his meltdowns, is he?" Erica asks nervously. Stiles shakes his head.

"No, he's fine," he replies. "He's got two more swings. He'll be fine."

"Okay, I'd better go then," Erica says. "Oh, by the way, I need a week off." Stiles nods.

"Yeah, of course," he says. "When's the vacation?"

"Two weeks from now." Stiles groans.

"No, that won't work!" he says. "That's spring break and I have to take care of the boys!"

"Strike two!" Stiles turns to watch as Isaac repeatedly hits the ground with his bat, screaming unintelligibly.

"It's okay cutie! You've got this!" he yells.

"Check out what happens when this kid strikes out," says one of the guys behind him. He and Erica turn around to scream at them again.

"You have been warned, Ratso-"

"One more comment and it's go time-"

"-I will crush you!"

"-so check checkity check it!" Erica takes a deep breath and returns to the previous conversation. "I thought Mark was taking the kids whitewater rafting." Stiles sighs.

"He cancelled," he replies. "Shocker, right? He said he had a 'business trip', which I know is bullshit. Now I'm racking my brain, trying to figure out how to compete with that."

"You won't," says Erica, shrugging. "There's no time. And why should we both stay at home?" She hugs Stiles, and he knows he's been tricked into something. "You are the best boss ever." Damnit.

"Strike three!" Isaac throws his helmet down and begins hitting the ground with more ferocity than before.

"I hate this, I hate this, I hate this!" he screams, angry tears streaming down his face. "I suck!" He drops his bat and throws himself down on the ground, kicking and screaming.

"Maybe you should try badminton." And that is the last straw.

"Maybe you should try mouthwash!"

"And deodorant!"

"And some testosterone supplement!"

"And some Cialis!" And God, Stiles has to hand it to her, Erica is fantastic at this. "I'm just assuming!"

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Stiles sighs as he carries a sleeping Isaac up the stairs, wincing every time the seven year old's head hits something (don't judge him, that kid's getting heavy). This has been the worst day. And he hasn't even told the boys about their flaky father. He puts Isaac to bed and goes to check on Jackson.

The teenager is asleep with a creepy smile on his face. Stiles almost disegards it until he sees. . . _it_. _It_ being a centerfold from a porn magazine with a picture of _Stephanie's_ face over the model's face. Stiles thinks he's going to barf. Among the questions going through his mind are _where did Jackson get a porn magazine?_ And _why didn't he just go online like a normal kid?_ And most importantly, _**why did he tape a picture of Stephanie's face to it?!**_ Disgusted, Stiles starts to rip the picture up. Then he realizes that, _shit. Jackson's going to know he was in his room._ He looks down at the picture. At this point, it's unsalvagable.

"Damn it."

Time to go to the store.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Derek's about to fall asleep when Malia crawls into bed with him and turns on Looney Toons. Normally he'd just put her back in her own bed, but it's not a weeknight and he can tell something's bothering her.

"Daddy?" she asks after a minute. "What do you miss about Mommy?" Derek sighs, trying to stay awake.

"What do I miss about Mommy?" he repeats. "Everything." He pauses. "I miss her laugh. And her smile. And I miss the cute little nose that she gave you. It's a good thing you didn't get mine. You'd look very weird." Malia giggles. "I miss every time The Wizard of Oz was on."

"I love that movie."

"I know. And Mommy would sing all the songs to us, especially Somewhere Over the Rainbow." Derek smiles sadly. "You know what I miss most about her?" Malia shakes her head. "Getting to tell her how much I love her."

"Are you allowed to do that with anyone else?" Malia asks.

"Am I allowed?" Derek repeats. "Well, right before Mommy died, that's all she would talk about- me finding someone else. But I told her I couldn't, because she was my one and only."

"What did Mommy say?"

"Mommy said that-" Derek takes a deep breath. "She said that my heart was big enough for two. That's another thing I miss about Mommy. She actually thought I was awesome."

"I think you're awesome, Daddy," Malia whispers. Derek smiles, kissing her forehead.

"Thanks."

"Hey Dad?" Derek looks up to see Allison standing awkwardly by the door. "I have a personal errand to run and I need to borrow the car." Derek raises an eyebrow.

"Well, you can't drive without me yet," he says, "and somebody's got to stay here with your sisters." Allison rolls her eyes.

"Dad, I have a _personal errand,"_ she repeats, stressing the last words.

"What does that even mean? What, are you taking a hit out on someone?" Malia sighs.

"Dad, she's _'monsterating'!"_

"She's _what?!"_ Allison groans.

 _ **"I'm on my period!"**_ she exclaims.

"Oh!" says Derek. "Oh, I uh- I forgot you get those." Allison sighs and stomps away.

Time to go to the store.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I smell an awkward situation in the near future. . . Kudos and comments are always appreciated!
> 
> P.S. You should check out my Tumblr (http://fuckrealityihaveablog.tumblr.com/).


	4. Tampons and Pornos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek and Stiles have an unexpected encounter and strange things are purchased.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I wouldn't finish this until next week, but I finished it today!

"Tampax Pearls. . . Douches. . . Fresh Scent, medicated, and Sweet Romance," Derek mutters to himself as he stands awkwardly in the women's hygiene aisle of the pharmacy. "Yeah, let's not do the Sweet Romance douches just yet. Or ever." He scans the shelves again. "Poise Feminine Wash?" He groans. He is way out of his element. And what the hell is a Diva Cup?! He picks up a box at random and turns to leave. Then, he sees him. "Stiles?"

". . . Hi. Derek." Derek smirks as he sees what Stiles was looking at.

"Let me guess," he says. "Just for the articles?" Stiles looks as red as a tomato and Derek can't help but feel darkly satisfied. Stiles mumbles something that Derek can't hear. "What was that?"

"It's for my son," he grumbles, glaring daggers at Derek, who raises an eyebrow.

"Wow," he says in surprise. "What a. . . progressive father." Stiles' eyes widen and he practically chokes. Derek watches, amused, as he sputters and tries to explain.

"No, no, I-" Stiles sighs. "I found a centerfold under his bed and I tore it up."

"From a magazine? He's old school. Why'd you tear it up?" Stiles stares at Derek.

"He's my baby!" he exclaims, almost knocking the shelf over with a flailing arm. "He's too young for that kind of stuff!"

"No he's not," Derek replies. "It's a normal part of growing up."

"He taped a picture of our babysitter's face over it." Oh. Ew.

"Okay, that's sick," Derek says. "He needs help. Borderline Dahmer situation." Stiles scoffs.

"Very funny," he says. "But if you had kids, you understand-"

"Three daughters," Derek interrupts.

"-it's complicated. Wait, _you_ have three daughters?" Stiles asks, surprise in his voice.

"Yes. Any kids besides the masturbator?" Stiles smiles, and Derek can sense the unspoken _fuck you too buddy._

"He has a brother."

"Maybe you'll do a better job with that kid." Stiles turns away, exasperated, and Derek decides to stop messing with him.

"I'm just joking. So what, you're here to replace the picture before the kid finds out?"

"Yes, but I don't know which magazine it's from," Stiles replies.

"Do you have the centerfold? Or the remnants, I guess?" Derek asks. Stiles looks around before pulling a taped together mess out from his jacket. "Tried to fix it?" Stiles nods. "Good job, I can barely tell." He glances at the picture. "It's from _Snapper_ magazine." He grabs the magazine and hands it to Stiles.

"How can you tell?" Stiles asks.

"Oh, from the staple placement, and the way the paper feels, and I already have this copy at home." Stiles shakes his head and turns to leave, but Derek stops him. "Wait, I just thought of something that will help us both- you know, save us some embarrassment." He takes the magazine from Stiles and hands him the tampons. "How about we switch?"

"How am _I_ supposed to be less embarrassed about tampons?" Stiles asks. Derek shrugs.

"To be honest, you just really look like a Mr. Mom." Stiles seems to accept it and glances at the box.

"These are for your daughter?" he asks. "How old is she?"

"Fifteen," Derek replies. "And her 'friend' just paid a visit." Stiles chuckles.

"Okay, well these are for a much older 'friend'. A much heavier 'friend', staying in a much bigger 'room' than your daughter has."

"You lost me." Then it clicks. "You found me. Ew." Stiles picks out a smaller box and they head to the checkout counter. "How do you know this stuff?"

"I have a lot of friends with uteruses." The elderly cashier smiles sympathetically as Stiles puts the box on the counter.

"You find everything okay?" she asks, and damn if Derek wasn't right about the Mr. Mom thing. Stiles nods and pays. When she gets to Derek, she smirks. "Rockin' Saturday night, huh Lefty?" Derek feels heat rising in his cheeks as he hands her his credit card.

"Uh, it's not mine. It's for his kid." Stiles gapes at him, obviously betrayed, but he can't take it back now.

"Oh I see," says the cashier, the sympathetic look gone. "Progressive parenting, huh?"

"No, he just takes his homeschooling really seriously." Stiles is going to kill him, but he can't stop now.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

"Gee, thanks for _saving_ me back there," Stiles says as he and Jerkface stand in the parking lot. "What would I ever do without you?"

"Sorry," Derek replies, looking properly ashamed. "I panicked." He hands Stiles the bag with the magazine in it and Stiles hands Derek the one with the tampons.

"I can't believe _you_ have three girls." Derek raises an eyebrow.

"What does _that_ mean?" he asks.

"I just can't imagine you with three girls," Stiles says. "Hell, I can hardly imagine you with three _boys."_

"Don't then." Oops. He's hit a nerve.

"Alright, I'm sorry," he backtracks. "What are their names?"

"Allison Marie, Lydia Espn, and Malia Anne."

"Espn," Stiles repeats. "That's unique. Is it Biblical?" Derek shakes his head.

"No, named after my favorite network," he replies. Stiles stares at him blankly. Derek hums something and it clicks.

"No!" he exclaims. _"ESPN?"_ Derek nods. "God, your wife must've been a saint."

"She was," Derek replies, getting a wistful look in his eye. He seems to realize it and snaps himself out of it. "Your ex husband must be really patient, dealing with. . ." He trails off.

"Ah, yes. Another charming sentiment from Captain Cheesesticks."

"You know what? Hooters is too good for you. I'd never bring you there again."

"Oh no, I'm just gonna have to learn how to live without Hooters!"

"You've been doing a pretty damn good job so far!"

". . . That doesn't even make sense."

"Yeah, I- yeah." With that, they go their separate ways.

In matching white minivans no less.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise the next chapter will be up soon! Kudos and comments are always appreciated! Also: in the movie, Jim doesn't tell Lauren his daughters' middle names, but I had to fit in the ESPN thing somewhere.
> 
> P.S. You should check out my Tumblr (http://fuckrealityihaveablog.tumblr.com/).


	5. Switched Cards and Fabulous Vacations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek and Stiles have yet another unexpected encounter, Erica and Boyd are sad, and two people walk away with amazing spring break plans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWO CHAPTERS IN TWO DAYS?! I AM ON A FUCKING ROLL!

"Guys," Stiles begins, bracing himself for his sons' reactions, "unfortunately, Papa had a business trip that came up, so your whitewater rafting trip is going to get postponed until this summer."

"What?!" Isaac shouts.

"We're stuck here doing _nothing_ all week?!" Jackson adds. Stiles scoffs.

"I. . . have plans," he says. "I have _great_ plans, actually."

"What, bowling and the mall?!" Isaac asks. "Amazing, Daddy. Perfect."

". . . How did you know?" Stiles asks. Before the conversation/two-person temper tantrum can continue, the doorbell rings and Jackson gets up to answer the door.

"Maybe that's Pop!" he exclaims.

"Maybe he'll take us on his business trip!" Isaac adds, getting up as well. Jackson opens the door.

"Oh, hey. Is your dad home?"

"What do you mean, 'Is your dad home?'" Jackson asks. "Who are you?"

"I'm Derek." Shit.

"Wait, _you're_ Derek?" Jackson asks incredulously. "As in derek66@gmail.com?"

"What is this, _Dateline NBC?"_ Derek replies, obviously creeped out by Stiles' creeper son. "Yeah, you got it right."

"What do you want?" Isaac asks. Actually he practically growls it.

"I need to talk to your father. Not a big deal."

"He's _not_ interested in you," Jackson says through clenched teeth. Stiles can practically hear the eye roll from Derek.

"Believe me, I don't like him either," he replies. "I have to sort something out with him." Stiles sighs and gets up. It's time to face this problem head on.

"Hi," he says, coming up behind Jackson and Isaac.

"You lied!" Jackson shouts. "Liar! You _do_ like him!"

"What?" Stiles replies. "No honey, I _don't!_ He's a buffoon. Just like I said."

"Don't talk to me!" Jackson hisses. "Ever!" Then, in true drama queen fashion, he runs upstairs, with Isaac trailing closely behind him.

"Which one was the masturbator?" Derek asks, smirking. "The big one? If not, then he's started early." Stiles groans, seriously considering slamming the door in Derek's face.

"Why are you here? What do you want?"

"The old bag at the pharmacy mixed up our cards," Derek replies. Stiles scoffs. "No," he says. "That's impossible. I keep my cards very organized. I keep them in color-coded sleeves-"

"Okay, I'll give this back to whoever it belongs to," Derek interrupts, holding up a card. "May-seej Stilinski, you know him?" Stiles pauses.

"It's pronounced 'Mah-chay'," he grumbles. "Come in." He sighs as he closes the door behind Derek. "I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Wait, how do you know where I live?"

"I asked Sandra," he replies. "She said you. . . have a girlfriend? Does she know we went on a date? Is she gonna kill me, or-" The kitchen door bangs open and Stiles hears a very familiar scream of frustration.

"That's her now," he mutters as Erica storms into his kitchen. Derek takes a step back.

"I didn't touch him!" he exclaims defensively before Erica can say anything. "He repulses me!" Stiles rolls his eyes and Erica looks on, confused.

"Erica, what's wrong?" Stiles asks. Erica groans.

"It's over between me and Boyd!" she exclaims.

"Wait, Boyd?" Derek asks. Erica and Stiles ignore him.

"Over? But you guys just started using the L word!" Stiles replies.

"What's the L word?" Derek asks. "And his name is _Boyd?"_ Erica sighs.

"I'm sorry, who are you?" she asks. "Are you here to fix something? Because you should probably just go do that."

"I'm Derek. I'm not a threat."

"Derek?" Erica asks.

"The blind date guy," Stiles supplies.

"You said that was a disaster."

"It was."

"You said he was an emotionally constipated loser."

"He is."

"You didn't mention that he's built like a brick shithouse."

"I know, I-"

"Still standing right here," Derek says. "I can hear everything you're saying."

"Our cards got switched so we're just dealing with that," Stiles explains. "What happened with Boyd?"

"He just dropped a major bomb on me," Erica replies. Stiles squints, his big brother instincts kicking in.

"He's married."

"No, worse," Erica moans. "He has _kids."_ Stiles and Derek burst into laughter.

"Oh, you're still here," Stiles says to Derek. "Why?"

"You still have my card," Derek replies. _"Why?"_

"Wait, you're gonna break up with him just because he has kids?" Stiles asks.

"Five kids," Erica corrects. _"Five._ What am I, Julie Andrews? Am I gonna sew matching outfits and sing to escape the Nazis?" She groans. "He asked me if I wanted to be 'part of the team'. No I don't."

"Well, maybe you should go on the trip," Stiles replies. "You know, spend some alone time with Boyd."

"No, he wanted the kids to _come with us,"_ Erica says. "He wanted me to get to know them in a 'fun and neutral environment'."

"Five kids?" Derek asks. "Is his first name Vernon?"

"Yes, why?" Derek grins.

"That's incredible," he says. "That's my boss. I manage one of his sports stores."

"Of course you do," says Erica, taking on a condescending tone. "Boyd takes a lot of special needs people and makes them 'managers' of something so they can have a business card and feel important. Good for you, sweetie!"

"You know, I applied to work at the library," Derek replies, "but they told me there's already a gorilla filling that position." Erica glares at him.

"It's a thyroid thing."

"Where was he gonna take you?" Stiles asks, attempting to diffuse the tension. Erica takes a deep breath.

"Africa," she says, pulling out a brochure. "It was going to be amazing. Look at that. Sun, sand, safaris."

"He must really like you," Derek says. "Sorry, I'm not getting it. Like at all." Stiles whips out Derek's card and slaps it onto his chest.

"And that concludes our business," he says. Derek hands him his card. "Jesus, Erica. _Africa._ So Boyd's just gonna go there all by himself with his kids now?"

"No. He's heartbroken now. No one gets to go." She sits down. "Damn it! Why does he have to have joint custody?! I thought the mother always got the kids!"

"Well, it's a week away. I hope he gets his money back."

"A week?" says Derek. "No chance."

"Well maybe they do things differently in _Africa,"_ Stiles replies.

"I forgot you were an expert on African refund policies."

"Okay, kick him out!" Erica says. "Don't let him talk to you like that!" Stiles nods and looks pointedly at the front door. Derek puts his hands up in a surrender gesture.

"Fine, I'm leaving," he says as he closes the door.

"Erica," Stiles says, sitting down next to his friend. "My boys would give anything to go on a vacation like that." He pauses. "And I don't mean to be a vulture picking on the carcass of your dead relationship, but I wonder if Boyd could maybe sell me the vacation?" Erica stares at him. "You and I both know that I could never give him full value for it, but it's better than nothing at all, right? And it would just be the three of us, so we'd only need one room."

"I guess. . ." Erica trails off. "Yeah. Definitely. He's all for helping the less fortunate." Stiles ignores the last comment as the sheer joy hits him.

"Oh my God," he says breathlessly. "Wait until I tell the boys!"

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

"Hey, Boyd?" Derek says into his phone. "It's Derek." He pauses, trying to figure out a way to ease into the conversation. "Uh, I heard you and Erica broke up."

 _"Where'd you hear that? It just happened like an hour ago,"_ Boyd replies.

"From the ape- sorry, _woman_ herself." Boyd groans. "I'm sorry buddy."

 _"Did you hear about the vacation?"_ Boyd asks.

"Yeah, yeah. It sucks, man," Derek replies. "Are you able to get a refund?" Boyd sighs.

_"No. It's too late."_

"Well, if you want," Derek says, "you could sell it to me. I couldn't pay full price, but something's better than nothing, right?"

 _"Yeah, I guess,"_ Boyd says. _"You can give me the money at work tomorrow."_ Derek grins like a madman.

"Wait until I tell the girls!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I smell a whirlwind adventure! Kudos and comments are always appreciated! Also: Stiles' first name is spelled Maciej.
> 
> P.S. You should check out my Tumblr (http://fuckrealityihaveablog.tumblr.com/).


	6. Familymoons and Wilt Chamberlain's Headquarters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two families must learn to share their vacation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I probably won't be able to update until August because 1. I'm babysitting this week, 2. Entertaining family from out of state next week, plus celebrating my birthday, plus packing for vacation, 3. Going on vacation the week after that, and 4. Returning just in time for a wedding. Hopefully, I can get the next chapter up by August 5th, but please be patient with me! Thank you!

*One Week Later*

"I can't believe we're here!" Isaac exclaims as he, Jackson, and Stiles step out of the van from the airport. Stiles nods as he looks around. Everything is so beautiful here.

"This _is_ pretty cool, Dad," Jackson agrees, looking and sounding impressed (for once). Stiles grins widely.

"Yeah?" he replies. "So I did good? This is better than, like, bowling and the mall?"

"Yes!" Jackson and Isaac exclaim in unison, each giving their father a tight, one-armed hug. Stiles sighs in happiness. Never before has he been so happy with one of Erica's failed relationships. This vacation is going to be amazing. Then it happens.

"What the fu-"

_"Jackson!"_

"What the fudge is _he_ doing here?!" Stiles looks in the direction that his son is pointing and sees. . . _Derek._ With who can only be Allison, Lydia, and Malia. "We're going on _family vacations_ together now?!"

"No, I-" Stiles stutters. "I have no idea why they followed us to Africa!" They start to approach the Hales, and Derek looks up.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," he says. "Is this a sick dream? What is happening right now?"

"You're stalking my dad!" Jackson accuses. "You're a predator!" The oldest girl, who has her father's black hair in a terrible pageboy cut, frowns and steps forward.

"Don't talk to my dad like that, asshole!" she hisses, eyes narrowed. Stiles scowls.

"Language!" Derek rolls his eyes.

"How about you don't correct my daughter?" he replies. "She can say asshole if she wants to." The youngest girl, a tiny little thing with big brown eyes, apparently takes this as an invitation.

"Asshole, asshole, asshole-" Derek covers her mouth.

"Not you."

"I hear thunder on the mountain!" a heavily accented voice says from behind the two families. A jolly looking man approaches, wearing a purple resort uniform. "Welcome to South Africa," he says with a flourish. "Mfana, at your service."

"Nice to meet you, Mfana," Derek replies. "I'm Der- uh, Vernon. Vernon Boyd." Stiles' frown deepens. So _that's_ how he got here. Mfana grins. "Welcome, Vernon Boyd!" he says. "And you are traveling with one little girl and two. . ." He trails off and Stiles immediately feels a pang of sadness for the older sisters. 

"Big girls." Mfana laughs awkwardly, caught in his mistake.

"Of course." He turns to Stiles. "And you must be. . . Erica Reyes?" Mfana stares at Stiles in confusion.

"That must be a typo," he replies. "It's Eric."

"I see what you did," Derek says.

"I see what you did too." Mfana rubs his hands together in apparent excitement.

"Are you ready for the most exciting, amazing, and romantic week of your entire lives?" he asks. Derek raises his eyebrows, and Stiles doesn't think he's ever agreed with him before this moment.

"Yeah, we're here for the zero romance package," he says quickly. Mfana gives him a sympathetic look.

"You still haven't told the children, my friends?" he asks.

"Told the children _what?"_ Jackson asks eyeing Derek. The youngest girl gasps.

"Do I have another daddy?!" she asks. Derek sighs.

"Mfana, will you do us a favor and leave us alone for a while?" Mfana nods.

"Of course," he replies, walking out of earshot.

"Alright, listen," Stiles says, "can you please assure my son that we're not dating?"

"We're _no_ _t_ dating!" Derek exclaims through clenched teeth. "I promise you. This is not a face I want to wake up to every morning." Stiles just scoffs, but apparently Jackson takes offense.

"You'd be _lucky_ to wake up to him every day!" he says. "My dad is freaking hot!" Oh God. Jackson was already weird enough. 

"Did you just say your dad was hot?" the redhead asks. Jackson seems to realize what he said and his cheeks go pink.

"N-no, not- not _hot,_ I-" 

"That's just wrong!" says the youngest girl. Suddenly, Stiles realizes that Isaac isn't by his side anymore. He looks around frantically, until- 

"Hey Daddy!" Isaac screams, hanging upside down from an elephant statue. "Look at me!" 

"Oh my God, Isaac!" Stiles exclaims shrilly. "Get down from there!" Is aac begins to swing from the tusks and Stiles lets out a shriek of frustration. 

This is going to be one hell of a vacation.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

After getting Isaac down, getting Stiles to breathe normally, and introducing the kids, Mfana begins to show the two families around.

"This place is ginormous!" Jackson (formerly known as "the Masturbator") breathes as they walk through the lobby. Everyone murmurs in agreement as they look around in wonder. 

"Right this way," Mfana says, leading them to a set of ornately carved wooden doors. With a smile, he opens them. "Welcome to your 'familymoon'!" Derek's too amazed to ask what the hell a familymoon is. 

The room is beautiful. There are colorful murals painted on nearly every wall, and four comfortable looking beds, as well as a couch and a TV. The best part is the view- a large window next to the bunk beds that looked out over the gorgeous South African landscape. 

"We'll take this room," Derek says quickly. Stiles makes an indignant sound. 

"No! _We_ want this room!" 

"Silly Boyds!" Mfana says with a smile on his face. "This room is for the children. _This room,"_ he opens another door, "is for the parents." The first thought Derek has upon seeing the room is _It looks like Valentine's Day threw up in here._ The bed is heart shaped and magenta. There's a stripper pole in the middle of the room and candles everywhere. Derek feels sick. Jackson flops down on the bed. 

"What part of 'not dating' does this bed fit into?" he asks. Stiles groans.

"Okay, you know what?" he says, clapping his hands to get the kids' attention. "Everybody fall into line. Jackson, Isaac, on the couch. Allison, Lydia, Malia, in the chairs." Stiles looks down and sighs. Derek follows his gaze and sees a small table with strawberries, chocolates, candles, and a folded note reading Erica. "Oh God," Stiles says. "Boyd was gonna propose to Erica. A family honeymoon, a _familymoon."_

"And your dumb friend ruined it," Derek replies, earning a glare. "Here's what's gonna happen. The first room we saw, we're gonna take that. You and your deranged boys can have Wilt Chamberlain's headquarters." And the glare intensifies. 

"Dude, what are you eating?" Allison asks. Derek and Stiles look up to see Isaac chewing on some sort of red, gummy candy.

"'Cherry Pan-ties'," he replies, mouth full. Stiles looks apprehensive. 

"What are 'Cherry Pan-ties'? Let me see that." Derek catches a glimpse of the box as Stiles takes it. _Cherry Panties._ "Oh God!" Stiles shouts. "Spit that out! Now! No more 'Cherry Pan-ties', _ever!"_ Isaac spits it into Stiles' hand and Derek tries not to laugh. 

"Hey Dad," Jackson says, spinning around the pole. "I guess this used to be a firehouse." He jumps onto it and slides down quickly.

Poor Stiles looks like he's going to pass out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stiles is going to go insane by the end of the vacation. Kudos and comments are always appreciated!
> 
> P.S. You should check out my Tumblr (http://fuckrealityihaveablog.tumblr.com/).


	7. Awkward Dinners and the Mahealanis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles and Derek's first dinner in South Africa is an increasingly awkward one. . .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY! I PROMISED YOU A NEW CHAPTER BY AUGUST 5TH AND I'M A WEEK LATE! PLEASE FORGIVE ME AND ENJOY!

Half an hour later, Derek and the girls are changed and trying to find their table in the huge and ornate dining room. Mfana smiles as he sees them.

"Hello Mr. Boyd!" he says brightly. "And hello. . ." he trails off. Again.

"Girls," Derek supplies. Mfana nods.

"Girls," he repeats. "They're _girls_."

"Yeah, and that's twice." Derek sighs. "Let's go guys- uh, girls." They walk around the dining room, searching for Table 23. When they find it, another family is already sitting there. Derek feels sorry for the son, because his dads are making out right beside him. He clears his throat, successfully getting their attention.

"Oh, hi!"

"Hey," Derek replies. "I think we're sharing a table with you." One of the men nods.

"Yeah, hi," he says. "I'm Danny Mahealani, this is my husband Ethan, and this is our son Scott. We're from Maui." Scott rolls his eyes.

"No Dad," he says, "I'm _your_ son. Last I checked, Ethan doesn't have a uterus. At least, I hope he doesn't."

"Okay, get it out there for everyone," Danny replies. "Sharing it, loving it, no holding back. That's good." Derek and the girls sit down, trying to ignore the intense awkwardness between Scott and Ethan.

"Isn't this place fantastic?" Ethan asks, clearly attempting to change the subject. "It's so romantic." Derek nods.

"Yeah, it's going to be a great trip." He looks up and notices that Lydia hasn't sat down yet. "What's wrong?"

"Where should I sit?" she asks.

"You can sit anywhere you want," Derek replies.

"What about Mom?" Lydia asks. "Where does she sit?"

"Uh, where do you want her to sit?"

"Next to me?" Derek nods.

"Then that's where she'll sit." Lydia seems satisfied and sits down next to Malia, not noticing the Mahealanis' stares.

"Ignoring it," Danny says finally. "Ignoring the weirdness."

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Of course they're sharing a table with Derek and his girls. Because the universe has it out for Stiles.

"Where's the funeral at, boys?" asks Allison with a smirk. Jackson sneers at her.

"Where's the golf tournament at, girls?" he retorts, and okay, that was a bit below the belt. Lydia and Malia don't seem to care, but Stiles catches Allison glance at the other boy at the table and he can tell that she does.

"Mfana," Stiles calls. "Mfana!" The aforementioned employee appears seemingly out of nowhere, looking confused.

"What is wrong, Mr. Boyd?" he asks.

"Stilinski," Stiles corrects before he can think about it. "I mean Reyes! Just not his husband, okay? I don't want to sit here. Not gonna happen."

"I'm afraid it _must_ happen, sir," Mfana replies. "All of the tables are filled, and this is your family."

"Please sit with us," Malia pipes up, batting her eyelashes.

"Give it a try," Mfana says, pulling out a chair for Stiles. "Every family fights. You can make it better. Yes?"

"Yes," Stiles replies, giving in.

"Good. Try the chakalaka," Mfana says before rushing off.

"Hi, new people!" says one of the other men at the table.

"This is Stiles, by the way," says Derek, "and his children, the karate kids: Wax On and Wax Off."

"Oh Scott, you have something on your face," says one of the men before licking his thumb and wiping it on the boy's chin. "Oh, it's a mole." Jackson rolls his eyes and begins to pull out the chair next to Lydia.

"Hey, you can't sit there," she says, grabbing the chair as well.

"Why not?" Jackson asks.

"My mom's sitting there." Stiles sends an inquisitive look to Derek. Didn't he say his wife died?

"Is she in the bathroom or something?" Jackson asks.

"No, she's sitting there right now," Lydia replies. _Oh._

"Are you on meds?" Jackson asks, and Stiles discreetly pinches his arm. " _Ow!_ Dad, what-"

"It's okay, Lydia," Stiles says. "We'll get Jackson another chair." Derek mouths a _thank you_ to Stiles, who nods.

"Whatever," Jackson says. "I'm gonna go to the buffet. Isaac, come with me. They eat fried caterpillars here."

"Hell yeah!" Isaac exclaims, running after Jackson before Stiles can reprimand him for his language.

"Girls, why don't you hit the buffet as well?" Derek asks, causing all three to get up. "Al, make sure you have plenty of beef, okay? You gotta bulk up for the season." He apparently doesn't notice the embarrassed look that appears on Allison's face as she leaves.

"'Bulk up for the season'?" Stiles asks. "What is she, a bear?"

"She's trying out for girls' varsity this year. There's a lot of big girls out there. She's gonna eat her way into the starting five."

"My God," Stiles says, shaking his head. This is going to be a long dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!
> 
> P.S. You should check out my Tumblr (http://fuckrealityihaveablog.tumblr.com/).


End file.
